I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
