I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just want nice things and good sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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