i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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