we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
