2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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