I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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