Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's like heaven, but drunker
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
