You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
