sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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