i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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