Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
