I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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