What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
