dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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