i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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