I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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