Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
