my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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