You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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