I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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