Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
