i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
