I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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