I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
