Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
