I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You pole danced in your parka.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
