I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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