Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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