random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
