nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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