She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
pray to the hookup gods
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
