mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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