All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
