I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
