Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize