I am puke
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
