dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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