I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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