Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
