4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
