pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
