i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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