Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
