Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
