I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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