I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Im part way to drunk.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
