fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
