my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
