He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
