Where did you get a picture of my penis
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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