Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
