I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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