The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
