I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
