I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
