I want to have your abortion
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
