don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
