you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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