yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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