So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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